How To Network When You Hate Networking

For a great many people, networking is dreaded more than public speaking itself, which is saying something. I have met a very large number of people who treat it as a necessary evil, somewhere between a dental appointment and a tax return, and having spent a good many years going to these things, I can see exactly why they feel that way about them.

The difficulty is not really the room. It is what everybody has been told the room is for. We arrive having been instructed to work it, to have our thirty seconds ready and to come away with a pocketful of cards and something to show for the evening, and the result is a hall full of people performing at one another while quietly wishing they were at home.

So here are four things that nobody tells you, each of which makes the whole business considerably more bearable and, as it happens, a good deal more effective.

You Do Not Have To Sell

Although I work in communication myself, I don’t particularly enjoy selling, and honestly, I even like being sold to less. Still, at these events, you’ll notice some people trying to sell their goods just like Victorian peddlers. If you observe closely, you’ll see the room subtly drifting away from them, creating a gentle escape.

Feel free to set all of that aside. Remember, people buy from people first. If someone understands you, they’ll likely appreciate what you do. Approach every interaction with genuine curiosity about the person in front of you; be interested in what they offer and even more in them as a person. When they get to know you, let your work speak for itself. We all enjoy helping our friends, and we naturally like helping those we care about.

You Do Not Have To Be Impressive, And Neither Do They

I recently had the pleasure of meeting a professional who works in a field very much like mine, helping people communicate better. As we discussed the common fear of speaking in public, which is what we both dedicate our careers to, he made a remark that really made me pause: people who feel anxious about public speaking aren’t truly afraid of speaking itself; instead, it’s often a matter of low self-esteem.

I am quite sure that is true of somebody, somewhere. It is nothing like true of the overwhelming majority of people I have had the privilege of working with, most of whom have perfectly healthy self-regard and simply do not enjoy standing up in front of a room full of people.

I have a fear of flying. It does not stop me from getting on aeroplanes, but I don’t like it, and it does not mean that I am less intelligent than the next person, or that something happened to me once, or anything else of the sort. It means I am uncomfortable flying.

Here’s a helpful tip if you’re feeling anxious about the evening: the theories we often believe others hold about us are almost always mistaken. That means the idea you might have about someone quietly forming an opinion of you is likely not accurate either. No one has figured you out from across the room. Why not go ahead and ask them something instead?

One Minute Is Enough

At one event I went to, we were each given a minute to tell the room who we were and why we had come. Most people respected it, a small handful stretched it to two, and one lady took it upon herself to speak for at least five, which in that particular context felt a great deal like twenty.

If standing up for sixty seconds is the part you have been dreading, take this as the reassurance it is meant to be. A minute is not a test that you can fail. It is a mercy, and it is far kinder than the alternative, because it means nobody expects anything of you beyond who you are and why you came. Work the sentence out beforehand, and you will be sitting down again before the nerves have properly arrived.

You Can Just Say Hello

I have long since lost count of the number of times I have gone over to introduce myself to somebody I am quite certain I have never met in my life, only to be greeted with: “I’m sure we’ve met before, I’m terribly sorry, I’m not very good with names.”

It’s a simple device that people often reach for when they’re feeling nervous, and that’s perfectly okay; it shows they’re human. You don’t need one of your own to feel confident. Just say hello warmly, just like you would to anyone you meet. If you’ve met before, you’ll both probably remember soon enough. When you genuinely take an interest in people this evening, rather than just trying to get through it, you’ll find it much easier to remember them next time. It’s all about connecting authentically and being kind to yourself in the process.

Connecting Is Everything

This phrase is the foundation of our business and everything we stand for, because it is what I believe most deeply. Whether in a hall filled with strangers or standing in front of an audience, it holds true just the same.

If the dread you feel walking into a networking evening is the same dread you feel before a presentation, that is because it is the same dread. The same machinery, the same fear of being judged and the same way out of it, and it is worth understanding what is actually happening in your mind before you speak.

Stop networking. Start connecting. It is considerably more enjoyable, and it works far better in the end.

If any of this was useful, please pass it on. Somebody you know has an event in the diary this month that they have been quietly dreading since the invitation arrived, and nobody has yet told them that they are allowed to walk in and simply be interested in people.

If you would like some help with your public speaking and presentation skills:

• Book yourself onto a powerful public speaking course.
• Invest in some really good one-to-one public speaking coaching.
• Get yourself some excellent presentation skills training.

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